Solution Focused Therapy

Tips and Ideas

Tips and ideas from the SFT-L mailing list

Possibilities when hearing the response "I don’t know"

	Is it important to your client to know?
	Second, "So, how would your life be different if you did know?" or "How would your life be better if you did know?"
	Wait after they say, "I don't know" and see what happens. A lot of time clients use that as a filler to give them time to think of answers. If you give them a chance, they will come up with something useful.
	If not, my next question is, "So, suppose you did know. What would you say.
	The silence lets the client know, indirectly, that you want a "real" answer and that you respect the client enough to provide them with the time to come up with a well thought out answer.
	Respond to "I don't know" with "Sure, it’s a hard question." Then I wait some more while the client goes in search of an answer.
	Try "Guess"
	One quick suggestion is 'suppose you did know - what might be different?
	What do you think it would look or sound like, if you did know?
	When a client says, "I don't know," I wait and then respond, "Of course you don't know yet. What do you think?" Most times that's all it takes. We ask questions that people haven't thought about before. So it makes sense that they don't know.
	You could just continue to wait for an answer, as though the 'I don't know' wasn't the answer.
	The most useful I have found is doing both of these. When the client answers I don't know, do not nod, do not respond, do not even move. Don't do anything for 6 seconds - count them in your head. (Any acknowledgement of receiving the "I don't know" will mean it's your turn to talk.) Something like 75% of your clients will start developing an answer within 6 seconds. The ones who don't will often repeat the I don't know, and you can then say "It's a difficult question" and continue with "Suppose you did know" or "pretend you knew", or just let the "difficult question" hang in the air. You have to remember that most of the SF-questions are questions that only the client can answer. One thing that has been useful to me to train myself into not responding is telling myself that it would be crazy if they knew. It's a new and difficult question, they need time to think.
	I have often used this technique of just waiting, and have had it work pretty well. I try not to change my facial expression (of hopeful curiosity) or body position and I wait until the client says something again. Most often they say something different. Occasionally, they say, "nope, I just really don't know" after about 15-20 seconds and THEN I do something with it.
	My experience with long periods of silence and teenagers is that they take the silence as intimidating and it is not normally good to use that approach (understanding I work with many trauma survivors). I am much more interactive with them, I really like the 'suppose you did know' backup.
	Often times, especially with this age group, the person may just simply NOT know...and to move on with another question.
	You can ask questions from an "outside position" : - What would your mother (or other relevant/important person)say, how you got there? - Or: If x,y,z sat there (pointing to an empty chair)what would they say? - Would they be surprised? - Which person you know would be least surprised?
	You can suggest: Oh, you are right this must be a very difficult question (pacing). You don't have to answer it immediately (implication: you will find it out). Then you might suggest a little experiment: Finding out/watching herself how she actually got to five or asking others.
	You can give her more time to think about this really difficult question and paraphrase it a few times.
	Sit quietly and wait for a response. I've also said, "take your time and think about it, we're not in a rush."

Case Example 1

I want to present a (for me) extraordinary client I am in real trouble with. She is 17 years old and spent half a year in a psychoanalytic clinic in S, her mother and stepfather live there too (not in the clinic!) She has come to K (distance: 80 km) to get away from them and to live on her own. Here live her father (she doesn't want to see him) and her 3 older sisters. She is looking for a possibility to live with other young people, but nothing fits. She needs money, but manages to get no job. She fears people and jobs and schools... She's saying: "I cannot...I don't know....I don't remind...I will not remind...I don't want to think about exceptions...don't think about the past..the future...current things of her life are not interesting, because this is "superficial". Often she feels lonesome and if she is unhappy and nothing works like it should, she is eating much and watching TV. Behind all these things I feel a strong wish to change, to develop, but she doesn't believe in "miracles" and in doing things, she just wants to look at her feelings which she cannot feel, she says. Though she says she cannot trust me enough for showing her feelings (there must be some) , she wants to come twice a week!! But I don't want to continue her psychoanalytic therapy she was used to in S! Has anyone experiences with clients who really don't want to work solution-focused? Or an idea how to get on (or to finish)? I feel a little hostility from her, but also desperation. Normally it's not my thing to give up, but in this case "I don't know"... It would be wonderful to get some ideas, counsel, and hints...

Replies

Maybe she is not a customer.. and obviously has no clear goals (maybe frustrating therapists)..seems that the "transference" has grown into making you feel desperate...and making you work too hard. I wonder whether you can take the "feeling line" and scale that ..... you said """she just wants to look at her feelings which she cannot feel, she says. Though she says she cannot trust me enough for showing her feelings""" May be you could ask her "suppose for one instant you could trust me with your feeling....how would that be different and build on that, or, if 0 was couldn't trust with feelings to 10 totally trustful and unreserved with my feelings. where on the scale are you 1 what would it take to get to 2 etc

I wonder if doing nothing might be a way to go. Rather than you trying to elicit some way forward from her, have a session where you are simply silent At the beginning of the session you might suggest that gaols (or her likes) are important, or if there were any changes she would like to see in her life, what are they? . Apart from this allow her to explore,,,,,,,,,maybe then ask.... when would she be on track or off track towards those changes

If people don't have idea of what changes they would like to see in their lives (or goals) it is very difficult for the therapist to be second guessing that, I am not saying that a therapist should not be encouraging and a positive motivator, however to slavishly have to come up with a heaps of suggestions and creative ideas for someone to accept of dismiss seems like hard work "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

Another question might be, what would be different if she was living with other young people/ had money/ or didn't fear people

Case Example 2

I've had one client who came to see me for SF-coaching on the recommendation of a friend. The client wanted to "get moving in her life". During the first session the client revealed that she had been in psychoanalysis for TEN YEARS --- 8 of those years she saw her analyst EVERYDAY. She was now down to three times a week.

We jointly outlined a plan whereby she could start to unpack the belongings of her flat (she had lived there for over 6 years and had still not unpacked).

After the first session she seemed very keen to start working on her new future, but she called me the next day to tell me that she couldn't go through with making these changes.

I guess that when someone has such a vested interest in staying in the problem and continually taking he problem to pieces, it is really hard for them to move on.

I just "let it go" ... any idea anyone?

Replies

Right. Wait. Do nothing

SdeS

Case Example 3

I am experiencing similar frustration with a severely depressed client I just saw for a second session. He meets all my hopeful solution focused questions with blatant hostility. Example: when I asked him to scale his depression from 1 being his last suicide attempt (from which he actually died and was revived) and 10 being as happy as he could imagine himself being, he actually shook his head and muttered 'Jesus Christ-what difference could that make! It's only arbitrary numbers!" He describes a "tornado" in his head of self-hate, hate/love for his estranged wife, and self-pity. When I asked him to notice the times the tornado is less intrusive to his functioning, he came to the second session saying the only exception was when he masturbated. I confess that one took me off guard. I was not sure how to encourage him to "do more of what's working" with that one! I guess I am hopeful that the list's responses can help me out here too. I sense some ray of light in that he keeps scheduling appointments with me. It seems as if he is trying to push me away...and I am not going. Any help would be appreciated!! Struggling.

Replies

So, how did masturbating help? He must have some damn good reasons for wanting to suicide. Ask him @ these damn good reasons.

So, after she says all these things -- assuming these are what she says and not your interpretation -- I would simply say -- "so, what the f**k are you going to do?" and wait.

Maybe you scale this between 0 (not pleasurable) and 10 (ecstatically pleasurable) and see if he can imagine something more or less pleasurable/unpleasureable. What would he be doing to avoid or increase this ...(Phew!!!)

Seriously considering he did try to commit suicide...as you said he is trying to hang in there by making and attending his appointments so there must be something that keeps him coming back I wonder what that is what is the thread of hope he is hanging on to.

Further you said He describes a "tornado" in his head of self-hate, hate/love for his estranged wife, and self-pity. Would a MQ fit here some where. I know it is difficult to instill hope in those who don't at all feel this. Imagine or just, ..just.... just....suppose. if what brought you here today totally and extricable disappeared .......what is the first small..feeling...behaviour ......

This page on the subject "I don't know" was compiled by Greg Vinnicombe July 2000. Many thanks to the contributions from list members.
All material taken from the Archives at http://maelstrom.stjohns.edu/archives/sft-l.html
From the List SFT-L@MAELSTROM.STJOHNS.EDU

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